I don't wanna be fat...

Yep, I said it!  

I DON'T WANT TO BE FAT.

I've gone up and down with my weight since I had my baby at 32 and I know I don't feel good in my skin when I've got this extra fat.  I don't feel attractive, or sexy and I don't want it.  

I hear my mom talking about not wanting that middle age woman belly & girlllll...I am right there with you!  And if you don't get it under control, it will take over!

Not having it.  I'm 46 but I don't have to be frumpy and fat.

I was doing great at 40 in & the best shape I'd been in and then I met Dave.  Slowly the pounds started creeping on. I got back to weight watchers, lost 17 pounds & was feeling great again!  Then fell off the wagon for most of 2018 & got back up a bit.  But I'm back at it as of January 1st & almost back to the full 17 pounds that I was down once again!  Feels so good to know I can do it & I don't have to be the frumpy middle aged mom.

It creeps on if you're not watching...OK, so driving through for fast food on lunch breaks really isn't creeping back on or you're not watching, but maybe it's more of a I didn't really care and let it happen.  HA!

July 2017 vs Oct 2017

December 2018 vs April 2019

Life is messy

I've been praying hard for the past year and 4 months.  I've been praying for softening of hearts, for others to support the rebuilding of these relationships and encouraging forgiveness.

I reached out to my bonus daughter whom I had not seen since Halloween 2017 and things are going well.  I love this girl and have missed my relationship with her so much.  When I met my now husband in May 2013, I got to have these new relationships that I'd never had before.  I had 2 adult children that I became close too in addition to having a high school boy and a tween girl with my own 7 year old son.  It was so fun and those relationships built to when we got married in Oct 2014.  Ups and downs, as life is...a little more chaotic here though than I'd ever seen before.  

My husband comes from a very broken childhood.  Abusive, often left alone, felt very pushed to the side from the time his little brother was born as he was favored and it was made very obvious.  These are wounds that I really don't think will ever go away.  I see his attitude hardened from the way his mother treated him and sometimes that is projected onto how he talks about his children.  

Our duty as parents is to love without conditions.  Even when we are not so happy with decisions that are being made, we are to love our children and to make sure they know they are loved.  

I love these 4 kids and miss the two who have been gone for so long and the one who's relationship was so strained by this as well.  Young and impressionable, she should never have been made to feel like she too needed to abandon her relationship with her father.  We have to help nuture the relationship with our children and our divorced spouse.  Encourage that relationship.  It's a struggle sometimes, I won't lie!  I don't always see my ex husband/son's father being the Dad I want him to be for our son, but that's not for me to decide.  I just have to help my son know his Dad loves him & make sure to encourage him to have fun in the time when he is at his other home with his Dad and their family.