REALLY hard day!

I tell ya...I am really missing my ex boyfriend today.  I have actually been having a hard time since I saw him last week. 
It seriously feels like an addiction and I would do anything to get it.  That's how bad this is...No one can even begin to understand where I'm coming from I don't feel like.  I
 know it's not good for me to be in the relationship the way it was.  Brad is "sick" in a sense and needs to get himself into an alcohol rehab and really figure stuff out for himself.  Who he is, who do he wants to be, really find himself & kick some of this demon. He needs to get happiness in his heart as my son would say!
It's just hard b/c I miss the good times that we had.  Granted it's been awhile since we had the feel good/happy times!  I mean really...They became fewer and fewer as the months went on and he stopped smiling and just seemed to go into this depression that I couldn't help him with...Sept, Oct, November to the explosion on Nov 29th. 
I sit here thinking about some of these things that I went through & I think HOW could he have done that?  HOW was he able to sit back and watch as I was having these emotional breakdowns on trying to make ends meet?  I know he is not a bad person, he's not evil - he is just sick - the alcohol makes him a different person. As he has said, he felt like such a loser b/c he wasn't providing for me & didn't prove to me what he is capable of and who he is capable of being.  I hope for his own well being that he can get himself back up & feel good about himself and move forward!