REALLY hard day!

I tell ya...I am really missing my ex boyfriend today.  I have actually been having a hard time since I saw him last week. 
It seriously feels like an addiction and I would do anything to get it.  That's how bad this is...No one can even begin to understand where I'm coming from I don't feel like.  I
 know it's not good for me to be in the relationship the way it was.  Brad is "sick" in a sense and needs to get himself into an alcohol rehab and really figure stuff out for himself.  Who he is, who do he wants to be, really find himself & kick some of this demon. He needs to get happiness in his heart as my son would say!
It's just hard b/c I miss the good times that we had.  Granted it's been awhile since we had the feel good/happy times!  I mean really...They became fewer and fewer as the months went on and he stopped smiling and just seemed to go into this depression that I couldn't help him with...Sept, Oct, November to the explosion on Nov 29th. 
I sit here thinking about some of these things that I went through & I think HOW could he have done that?  HOW was he able to sit back and watch as I was having these emotional breakdowns on trying to make ends meet?  I know he is not a bad person, he's not evil - he is just sick - the alcohol makes him a different person. As he has said, he felt like such a loser b/c he wasn't providing for me & didn't prove to me what he is capable of and who he is capable of being.  I hope for his own well being that he can get himself back up & feel good about himself and move forward!

For when the time comes to explain the answer to your kids question "is Santa real"

Wanted to put this out there as I thought it was great when I saw it & a friend was looking for this today.  I thought I'll put it in my blog so I always know right where to get it!  Have one pinned on Pinterest too!  

Getting to know myself

Who are you?  What kind of person are you?

I am a happy person - I am energetic - I am a nurturer - I am colorful - I am accepting of others differences - I am organized - I am clean - I am emotional - I am an animal lover - I am a shopaholic - I am a movie lover - I am a music lover - I am confusing - I am selfish - I am a giver - I am stubborn - I'm always on the go & busy doing something at all times.  I am SO many things...

What do you see as your strengths?

Caring, loving, helpful & as I've gotten older - more forgiving!  I am organized.   

What do you see as your weakness’?

Forgiving, caring, loving, helpful - want to fix things that I can't fix!  Caring can be an assett, but it can also be a hinderance b/c I don't know when to stop.  

What do you want to change about yourself?

I wish I could not analyze EVERYTHING!  I wish I could let things go and just drop them.

Who do you want to be?

I want to be the best mother to my son!  I want the chance to be a wife again & to be the best wife I can be!

What do you want to get out of life?

I want to raise a loving, giving, caring, independent and kind man who will be the kind of ma that people say is an extradordinary husband and father! 

When you die, what do you want people to say about you?

That I was a good friend, mother and wife.  That I was giving, kind and thoughtful. 

What’s important to you?

My son...making sure that he is healthy and happy - that is my primary concern!  I don't want to screw that little boy up!!  I want him to grow up saying he had a happy childhood!

 

Who is the one person that means the most to you/has done the most for you?

My mother!  She has ALWAYS been there for me & given up things so that I could have.  My mother is my biggest hero!

What is the best moment of your life?

When I found out I was pregnant & then the day that Tanner was born! He is my biggest accomplishment in life!

 

Copycat recipe for J Alexanders Orzo & Wild Rice!

J Alexanders Wild Rice & Orzo is AH-MAZE-ING!  Had it for the first time Christmas Eve and fell in love!  We were trying to figure out how to make it & I said I'd google it!  And...this is what I found!  Totally going to make this up! 

J. Alexander's Orzo and Wild Rice Salad

serves/makes: 4
ready in: 30-60 minutes

INGREDIENTS:
2 cups cooked orzo
1 cup cooked wild rice
3 tablespoons diced red onions
3 tablespoons currants
2 tablespoons corn niblets
3 tablespoons diced yellow bell pepper
3 tablespoons diced red bell pepper
3 tablespoons diced green bell pepper
2 tablespoons chopped fresh basil
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1/4 cup chopped parsley
***Orzo Dressing***
1/4 cup canola oil
1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil
1/8 cup sweet white balsamic vinegar
1 1/2 tablespoon honey
1/4 tablespoon Dijon mustard
1/4 teaspoon minced garlic
1/8 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 tablespoon fresh basil, choppedDIRECTIONS:

Cook orzo and wild rice per package directions; shock in cold water and refrigerate. Put all ingredients in a mixing bowl (including dressing) and toss well. Serve very cold.

Orzo Dressing: Place all ingredients in a mixing bowl, except the oil. Stir until well blended. While vigorously stirring the mixture, slowly add the oils. Refrigerate.

NUTRITION:

449 calories, 28 grams fat, 46 grams carbohydrates, 6 grams protein per serving.

Show full nutritional data (including Weight Watcher's Points ®, cholesterol, sodium, vitamins, and diabetic exchanges)

read & let sink in...

nothing hurts more...

Funny how you go into things thinking they're going to be so amazing and you are hopeful and expecting the best.  But I think deep down you know you're going about it the wrong way.  Yet you do it anyways b/c you want it that much!  When something starts like that, I think there really is nothing good to come from it.  I'm talking about the way I brought Brad into Kansas CIty.  It was not his idea to quite his job (which I've not found out he wasn't even working) and to just move in with me.  It was MY idea.  I have to make sure people understand that b/c it was ME pushing him to do it.  Let's take the leap and give it a go!  If we're really going to see if this works, move to Kansas City & get a job.  Granted I was suggesting he get an apartment and he turned it into "I'll be in a place where I don't know anyone, and looking for a job so I won't really have money to pay for an apartment".  Then it got me on the, yea and we won't really KNOW if we are good together if we're not living together.  DUMBASS...The divorce was going smoothly and I had to go and rock the boat didn't I?!  Started a full on war and cost myself a lot of money!  But, it's good that I am where I am today, it's good that everything has happened to Brad b/c now I do think he truly KNOWS he has a problem and is going to get help.  Sometimes hitting rock bottom is the best thing for us.  But, it sure did hurt/does hurt, being hurt by the one person you thought would never hurt you.  Live and learn...and never have regrets!  It's because of where we've been that we are where we are today! 

Day 57

Well, yesterday I started this, but didn't finish!  So...my thankful yesterday is my Mom.  She is the most amazing woman I know.  She has more patience than anyone I know!  She's a good listener and more often than not she gives good advice!  I just have to stop and listen...I am thankful for the relationship that we have and that she's ALWAYS been there for me!  When I was a little girl all the way up to the now, 39.  We spent the evening together last night as her husband was working & Tanner was with his Dad.  Had a great time enjoying some soup and a sandwich at Panera and walking around the mall. 

 

 

 

 

Luke 2:13-14

Suddenly, the angel was joined by a vast host of others-the armies of heaven-praising God and saying, "Glory to God in highest heaven, and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased." ~ Luke 2:13-14, NLT

Praying for Brad to have peace in his heart and that he asks God to come into his life. Praying for Him to help heal Brad's heart of the hate and anger towards his past.   You can't go back and change it, you need to find peace with it and let it go.  Pray for the courage to really look at himself and make the changes inside to get himself to a happier place. Ask for grace and strength as he deals with the withdrawl and what may be hard days in craving a drink or whatever evils he is giving up. 

"Peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased..."

a couple favorite pictures from this Christmas weekend!

 

ALWAYS get back up!

As I was reading this I was thinking of Brad. You've hit the bottom right now.  Get back up and FIGHT to get clean, stop the drinking, stop feeling sorry for yourself & FIGHT!  FIGHT to make a better life for you!  You CAN do it...you have a beautiful heart in there, I've seen it.  Don't settle for any less than happiness, true happiness in your heart!  It's out there just waiting for you to go grab it!