Saturday, March 30, 2013

Change is kinda hard

I've been thinking I think that when you go through a divorce, it's almost like your married friends husband's don't want them hangin' around you.  One of my besties, husband's has become a little strange around me.  (Or at least I feel like that anyways, could totally just be me reading into it)!  I feel like he doesn't like me or like her hanging around me as much anymore.  Funny thing, another friend & I have joked about it b/c she's single too & we both say he doesn't want her hanging around us b/c we're bad examples!  HA...Anyways, really hate that.

Every year for Easter for the past I can't even tell you how many years 4 now?  We've done Easter Eggs together the night before Easter and this year they decided they are not going to be here.  I totally get the situation of why they aren't in town to some degree, but I also think that the way it's going down this weekend is just convenient.  Again, I feel like he's doing it too keep from having them hang with us.  Of course, he's got no desire to just be her, myself & the three kids.  Now that my ex husband is gone, he's got no reason to hang out with us. 
Then I was happy b/c I had plans for us with another friend & her boys, her husband was working late so she was happy for the plans too.  Welp, throw another monkey wrench in.  Her folks decided to come to town & they're going to her brother's so we're alone again...thinking I'll take him out to dinner, that's a favorite for him!  Maybe we'll even do Dave & Buster's!  Something really fun and special...And we're dying eggs tonight!  PRAYING I don't fall asleep & miss getting the eggs out!  HOLY SMOKES...I'm the only Easter Bunny to do it!  HA!
I am so happy to be out of my marriage though. When that love is gone, or really wasn't ever truly there  & you are not attracted to them, not something you want to stick around for ya know.  Not fair to either of you, or the child.
It just sucks for my son b/c he is like I am - does not like when the traditions change!  And for me, I don't think other people really get this.  We've had so many changes in the past year and now to have even more things changing, even little things like's kind of a big deal.  I am really bummed b/c we've even gone to church with this family for the past several years and again, it's just going to be my son and I in the morning.  I think we're going to go ahead & go with my Mom and her husband to their church so we're not alone.  I am 100% OK being single - I just hate it for my son as he's not OK with it just being the two of us.  It's more fun when he gets to be with his Dad as they are never alone b/c my ex lives with his Mom & then his sister is 100% dependent on their Mom and never not at the house, which also means her two kids are always around.  So of course that's more fun than just hanging with your Mom ya know?
Gotta get this all out NOW before he gets home b/c once he gets home I don't want him to know that there is any part of me that is having a hard time with this!  If I'm OK, he's more likely to be OK. Just hard, these changes in life.  Especially when you sit here looking at your life thinking "this isn't where I'm supposed to be"!  I LOVE ME - I am 100% happy with me - I just want to find that love again though!  I have so much to give, I want to feel that love and I don't understand why people are telling me I need to take this time to be alone and really get to find myself.  I KNOW WHO I AM - I just spent 11 years with someone that I never should have!  That week before the wedding, I should have walked away as people were telling me too.  
I will say this to ANYONE with doubts before they walk down that aisle - DON'T DO IT!! I love my son and can't imagine my life without my sweet boy, but I tell ya staying in a marriage like I did, not worth it for the time that you miss really being in love & feeling the love that we all so deserve.  And respect...We all need to respect our partner and to be respected. 
OK so this totally took a strange turn in posts...
This Easter just sucks and I'm having a hard time with the changes!

 2009 - first year!

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