Wednesday, December 19, 2012

I love life

I really do...I just love life!  I love thinking, I love smelling, looking at things...I love mornings & I love music.  I'm just in a weird "I love it mood".  Worried for today & what it brings later when I go to court, but going to try to keep myself in check today and will take a Zanex (sp) to help with my nerves!  I've never been in anything like this so this is all new for me.  I'm nervous to see Brad today as well.  I miss his face, I miss his touch, I want the sober Brad that I first was reintroduced too.  Of course that is not the "real" Brad.  So many things that I was told that were not true so I don't think I ever really knew the "real" Brad. 
He told me he'd been married (Tiffany) & had a child (Trinity), that Tiffany got the house and everything in it.  He told me he missed his dog, but that he didn't want to take that from his daughter (there was no dog, just a picture from the internet that he'd posted on his FB page and made up as being his own. 
He didn't have any money other than what he got back from his rent and wasn't working as he'd told me he was. Apparently he hadn't been working for awhile from what I've been finding out. 
In time after he'd come here with me, I'd find out he was prejudice against black people and gay people.  Apparently the addictions to illegal drugs, prescription drugs and alcohol are known among many.  I had NO IDEA...I fell so hard in love and then not knowing any signs, and not having been around him or anyone he knew for so many years, I had no idea what had been going on or where he'd been. 
He told me he boxed and that he was a personal trainer, he said that when you're looking for a job they don't really call on past employers and he was faking information on his resume. 
He told me his cell phone was on a family plan with his ex, but really he was given a cell phone by his Mom and she was giving her husband notes each month signed by Brad saying thank you with $35 each.  This was how his cell phone was being paid for and provided for him. She pays his health insurance too.
He told me his ex wife had a credit card for expenses for Trinity but that sometimes she used it for herself.  He said once she went and bought a $200 bottle of perfume on there. 
He told me so many stories about his childhood and I felt bad for him and that there was this sad little boy inside there that I wanted to love.  I wanted to show him what a family was, what it was like to have a mother loving her son and a partner that loved you and cared for you unconditionally.  He told me that his father was abusive to him, not to the other kids though & his Mom would sit back and watch.  After the divorce his Mom was gone dating and not around much so the kids were left to fend for themselves he said.
He told me he hated the police and that they were just out to screw you, set you up.  
He told me he liked nature and thought the garden sounded like a great idea - he belly ached about having to get out to help me pick up leaves!  He would sit in the bedroom while I was out there bagging leaves.  I think he helped me do two, maybe three bags one day.  We have HUGE trees and I still never did get them all up!  And bad thing - we're supposed to get snow tonight.  UGH! 

So...this post really took a turn from the start now didn't it?  Anyways...I do still think about him and the what he made himself out to be, this perfect person for me!  He was not, will never be and I have to move on.  I have to think about the angry person that is in there and the demons that he fights with the alcohol.  No matter how much he wanted to be whatever it is that he wanted to be for me, for us - he wasn't going to be.  When you won't admit you have a drinking problem but you are threatening people's lives, calling your girlfriend "a nigger lover" out of the blue as you watch a movie drunk, threatening to kill yourself with the gun to your chin, hurting animals, and just not being a grown's never going to work.  As I said many times - we all have to have a job and make our way in this world.  It doesn't matter what you do - work retail, trash man, insurance, lawyer, Dr., whatever - YOU HAVE TO PULL YOUR OWN WEIGHT and be a responsible adult that is contributing to your home.  If he really loved me he would have been out there getting any job to pull his weight and help with the mortgage, bills, food.  You can't just live off someone else and expect them to pay your way in this world.  And you can't just expect your Mom to take care of you either.  Work for what you have - don't expect others to hand it to you.  I loved you, I love you and I'm getting over you. I wish nothing but the best for you and as I told Tanner yesterday, we just want Brad to get help for his drinking and to find happiness.  I can't imagine going on in life like that forever. 

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