Monday, December 17, 2012


Tonight driving home I'm back on this again...Why would you let the best thing that was ever going to happen to you go?  SOmeone loves you SOOO much and does EVERYTHING for you!  They care so much about you, as you said they are nicer to you than anyone's ever been, they make you happier than you've ever been - WHY WOULDN'T YOU DO EVERYTHING IN YOU TO KEEP THAT?  I just don't understand why Brad wasn't serious about a job, why didn't he stop the drinking like he said he could & has in the past?  Why...why...why...I just don't understand.  He told me so many things and I believed him.  I REALLY believed him in my heart.  It hurts, it's really hurting tonight.  This is the first time I've had a hard time with it since those first few days.  I'm so mad at him for doing this to me!  WHY!!!  WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?  WHY DID I ALLOW YOU TO DO THIS TO ME?  WHY DID I LET IT GO ON FOR SO LONG?  I really thought I could fix him!  I really thought I was the one that he was going to change for.  He'd talk about other relationships that hadn't worked & I thought we were different, he told me I was different.  He said he'd never been in love with anyone more than he was with me and I FELL FOR IT! When I think back too though I know that there were so many parts of "him" that were not true.  So many of the things he told me before I got down there to bring him back were not true.  So really, the man I fell in love with was not that man at all in a sense...I do remember the magic I felt when I looked in his eyes and the way he made my body quiver and it was the most amazing feelings I've ever experienced.  I just wish that the person he really is - was not so.  I don't want someone that is prejudice, who is unmotivated and doesn't have the drive to be sucessful and thinks that everyone owes him something and doesn't believe in hard work.  I don't want someone that will stand around & watch me working, talking about getting a 2nd job and they don't balk at all not having A JOB.  Living off a single mother and taking so much and giving nothing.  THAT is NOT the kind of man I want!  THAT is not the example I want for my son!  HE deserves better than that!  I deserve better than that.  We are worth more than that. 

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