Thursday, December 20, 2012

My heart is aching...WHY?!

I know you are not the man you made yourself out to be!  WHY would I still have any feelings of love towards you?  I am just heartbroken right now.  I want to forget you, get you out of my head!  I've done so good until I saw you today.  You talked to me and you were looking right at me.  It was as if I was seeing some of the hurt you that you'd shown me before.  I have to KNOW IN MY HEART that it was just a ruse to get me aren't the hurt little boy in there that I thought you were.  The one that was "beaten" by his Dad & left to fend for himself by his Mom after the divorce.  I think this is something you created and have said it for so long that you believe it's true.  Just like your Dad didn't just drag you along and then pull the rug out from under you.  You didn't want to do the work so essentially you pulled the rug out from under yourself.

I just have to remember the man that threatened to shoot me & said I would have a shit bag for the rest of my life.  The one that did something to my little Coco to the point that she was terrified of you, that you ultimately killed that sweet puppy, the one that called me a nigger lover out of the blue as we watched a movie, the one that sat in my house day after day drinking & laying in bed while I was working, the one that told me he would stop drinking, the one that threatened to go kill his brothers, Dad and everyone in that office by driving by and shooting at it, the you that called your Mom a dumb cunt and a bitch b/c she didn't get you your weekly money quick enough.  The man who was always quick to blame everyone else for everything in his life.  You took no responsibility for your own actions & don't know how to support or take care of yourself.  You can't just depend on your Mom or girlfriends to take care of you.  We are adults & have to step up to the plate and take care of ourselves.  It's time to grow up, stop depending on drugs and alcohol, get a job and be responsible.

Yes, this is what I have to remember.  You had nothing to offer me but negativity, stress, racial comments/slurs, F bombs every other word (even in front of my child when you told me you knew how to talk in front of a child & you didn't talk like that), hatered for everyone except me. And even then you began to hate me & said I was riding you or something, can't think of your exact words when I would talk about you needing to get a job and what had you done.  This does make it so much easier to turn my back to you and resist the handsome man that was so sweet to me and made me feel like the prettiest girl in the world!  The one that made me feel more loved than I've ever felt in those first months, the one that helped me explore my sexuality in a way that was fun and uninhibited!  The one that said all he cared about was my happiness.  But you know what...your actions did not show that at all.  I want to say that you will not have a piece of me forever b/c you don't deserve it.  Once this is all done and past us, you will be just that.  Part of my past b/c you have no place in my future.  I hate that we have to wait now for court until Jan 23rd b/c I am so ready for this part of my life to be done.  WHY didn't you just get your stuff and get out that night.  Why did you have to do the damage you did?  We could have been rid of each other and both able to just move on.

No comments: